There is something about waking up on a Monday and realizing that you have no energy whatsoever to spend on this totally worthless day. I mean, I just spent all of my zest for living in the last two days and now you people expect me to peppy and happy because it’s the beginning of the work week?

Give me a break, will ya?

People who are happy on Mondays fall into two classifications of people:

One: The Insane.

And Two: The rest of us.

Group #1 are the people that wake up on Monday and immediately upon opening their non-bloodshot eyes, start singing stupid songs that involve sunshine and lollypops. They are the people, who when they go outside (as if there is really anything to see out there), have singing robins bring them their morning paper. The sun smiles and shines down on them as they drive all the way to work without hitting a single stoplight nor spilling a drop of their noxious, yet non-exploiting of the workforce of some third world country, morning beverage of choice. Once these disgustingly happy, and socially conscious, people arrive at work, they dance through the halls of their office building and merrily plop themselves down on their ergonomically correct and environmentally favorable chair located in their cubicle where, adorning their walls, there are signs of “Have a Nice Day” situated next to posters of kittens smelling flowers. These people are so sickeningly sweet that just by walking by them, you become a Type 2 Diabetic.

When they answer the phones in their non-descript jobs, they say “cutesy” things like “Thank you for calling the Mega Corporation where it’s a great day to be alive. I’m (fill in the name of the perpetually happy person here). How can I help you achieve peace and harmony today?” They go to lunch and eat things that are “heart-smart” but the portions are so small Gandhi himself would say “Do you think I could have a little more?” And yet, their food never blows up in the microwave, smells up the lunchroom or has anything resembling taste. Go figure. They get back to their desks 5 minutes early because they can’t wait for that next call to come in just so they can spread feelings of “Happy-Happy, Joy-Joy” to that next customer.

Then there are the hours between 1:00 and 5:00 pm where there are a plethora of conference calls. But while waiting for the call to another meaningless meeting to connect, our happy idiot is rocking out to the hold music and drawing smiley faces on their notepad with a pink gel pen.

At 5:00 pm they bid a semi-tearful, yet temporary, adieu to their “Cubicle of Good Feelings” and merrily skip out to their “Hybrid of Happiness” where they drive home without leaving a carbon footprint.

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do a good job for your employer or that you shouldn’t display a positive attitude about or for your job either. What I am saying is that these people just need to tone it down a little on Monday. Say in the audio range where only dogs and spy satellites with sophisticated listening devices can here. Because these carbon-based lifeforms of happiness and good feelings have no idea just how close they get to dying each and every Monday morning.

Let me give you an example of how this epidemic of Monday happiness has infested the general public. Mrs. Nickels’ car decided late Sunday afternoon that it wanted to take eternity off. Actually, it was her radiator that didn’t want to come out and play anymore thereby deciding that it was going to, at that particular moment, to impose a self-inflicted crack upon itself and disgorge all of its antifreeze in our driveway. So since the place we take our vehicles to was closed on Sunday, we let it sit there with the caveat that I was going to take Mrs. Nickels to work in the morning.

So, we are driving to her job in my car and while Mrs. Nickels has already gone into what I call “Work Mode” i.e. thinking about all the stuff she has to do before she ever gets to her place of employment, I am doing my husbandly duty of watching for other idiots in cars who might take this opportunity, on a Monday mind you, to display how stupid and lacking copious amounts of brain cells these people really are.

When all of a sudden I saw something out of the corner of my eye that totally blew my mind. There was a guy jogging. And not just jogging mind you, he was doing it on a Monday morning. Obviously, he belonged to Group #1 (The Insane) because who in their right mind has enough energy to go to work in a good mood much less have the intestinal fortitude of going jogging while at the same time smiling, smiling mind you, with earbuds plugged into their respected human audio receptors.

What is wrong with this guy?

My God man! Jogging and being in a good mood on a Monday? Was this guy an escapee from a super-secret governmental lab testing the effects of some mind-numbing substance upon those of us with normal emotional functions? I’m sorry, but I’ve been on this planet for over 50 years, and in my vast experience on this “Third Sphere from Sol”, I can tell you unequivocally that people who are happy on Monday are those “special folks” who have one or more of the following disturbing characteristics: a compulsion to tree hugging, vegetarians with multiple personality disorders, proponents of decaf coffee, eat turkey bacon, people who believe man is “basically good”, know all the words to “We are The World”, have the Barney theme for their kids’ birthday party, drive a Prius, and have season passes to Disneyland.

I think people who are happy on Mondays should be shot, stabbed, drawn and quartered, electrocuted, hung, gassed, given a lethal injection, committed, and/or made to watch reruns of Springer.

Or at least have the decency to tone it down until I’ve had my morning coffee.