Fashion Help

“Dad…You can’t go out wearing that!” said Tigger as I was preparing for a lunch date with Mrs. Nickels.

“And what’s wrong with what I am wearing?” I asked as I look at myself in the mirror wondering where I went wrong?

“Nothing,” she said. “As long as you want to go out looking like Stevie Wonder picked out your clothes. You’re fine. But if you don’t want to embarrass Mom, I suggest you put something on that is at least on the same side of the color spectrum.”

“Okay, Okay,” I said “Since you know what looks good, go into my closet and lay out something for me to wear. I’ve got to meet your Mom for lunch in 30 minutes and I’m running late.”

So as Tigger is rifling through my closet looking for something, anything that would match so as not to embarrass the love of my life, I am going to take this opportunity to talk with you all about fashion, fashion sense and why I need a seeing eye dog in order to know what goes with what.

See, when I was growing up, I could get away with wearing just a white tee shirt, a pair of jeans and whatever shoes that I fancied at the time. Sometimes it was sneakers, that is until they wore out. Then, because my Mom and Dad wanted to save money, they invested in a pair of what we would call today “Hiking Boots” but back when I was in high school, they were called “Waffle Stompers”. Considering how quickly I went through sneakers, I had really no choice but to go with the Waffle Stompers for my feet apparel.

Which was fine with me because even back then, I refused to become a slave to fashion. My brothers, on the other hand, were always looking for the right outfit to wear depending on the occasion. The Prom? A Tux. A date to meet her family? Nice shirt and pants with matching socks.  Me? I’d wear a white tee shirt and jeans to church if Mom and Dad would let me get away with it. So you see why I don’t spend a lot of time at a clothing store.

Not to say my taste in clothing hasn’t changed as I got older. Because I feel I have matured, at least a little, when it comes to the trend of dress for the occasion. I’ve gone from white tee-shirts to black Harley Davidson tee-shirts. And the Waffle Stompers of my youth have been replaced with, you guessed it, Harley Davidson Biker Boots. My streak of wearing jeans to just about any social occasion is still intact. Well, there was my wedding but that was only because there were people pointing guns at me just to make sure I put the tux on correctly and didn’t run out of the changing room before I finished getting dressed.

I do own a suit. Let me rephrase that. I own ONE suit. I’ve had this suit for 8 years and it still looks as good as the day I bought it. Why does it look so good you ask? Because considering that I wear it only once a month, means that it gets worn only 12 times a year, means that the sucker never gets any real wear and tear. Oh, and I am betting you are dying to know why I wear the suit only once a month, well, I’m not going to tell you.

Neener! Neener! Neener!

So anyway, today I thought I would surprise Mrs. Nickels and show up at her job wearing something that you don’t see on the set of Sons of Anarchy as a nice surprise not only for her but so her coworkers won’t be calling the FBI to see if I am on the 10 most wanted list. Hence this is why I was digging through my closet for something, anything, that would give the impression that I actually belonged out in public without a probation officer glued to my hip.

I found a nice long sleeved shirt that I think I wore like 9 years ago along with some dress slacks hanging in the closet that Mrs. Nickels bought for me a couple of years ago, but lost the receipt for and couldn’t take them back. I put them on thinking that I looked okay when Tigger comes around the corner and immediately goes into her fashion spiel. I mean the way she was going on about this whole thing reminds me of last week when I grounded her for missing her curfew. Sure, as I passed her room, I overheard her swear to her particular deity of the week that she would get revenge for me grounding her like that.

Wait a minute. You guys don’t think she would hold a grudge now…do you?

Nooooo! She wouldn’t do that…would she?

(Pause in my story as I put on what Tigger laid out for me to wear)

I’ve really need to get going, so let me ask you all something before I go meet Mrs. Nickels for lunch.

Does this red plaid shirt go with these power blue bell bottoms?

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