At the risk of sounding like a conspiracy theorist, I think the entire Valentine’s Day holiday is nothing more than a plot. A so-called “holiday” conceived by the same wonderful people who brought us those fan favorites such as: “The Engagement Ring”, “Heartshaped Boxes of Chocolate Confectionaries” and last, but definitely not least, “Bouquets of Love”. I also believe that it is part of their insidious plan to separate guys from their money so we don’t get to spend it on important things like Bacon, Tacos, Coffee and/or any possible accessory their Harley could ever possibly need thereby funding their nefarious scheme to bring about their ultimate goal of World Female Amazonian Domination.

(Do I hear the evil laughter of women worldwide or am I just imagining it again?)

But anyways, to the best of my limited research, it was at the end of the 5^th century when Pope Gelasius (No, I didn’t make up that name), who later went on to invent Gelatin which was later named Jell-O (THAT I made up) but he was better known for declaring February 14^th as Valentine’s Day (That I didn’t make up).

What made him do it? I haven’t a clue. But rumor has it that there was an unscrupulous merchant of diamonds, a sinister candy maker and a florist named Guido who had pics of said Pope doing some unholy things in a place that was the forerunner to what we call today Las Vegas. Word has it that these three “guys” all “had a hand” in making this decision. Listen, I’m not saying it’s true, I’m just saying it looks a little fishy to me, that’s all.

But why deal with ancient history? Let’s look at something a little more modern.

February 14^th, 1929.

In case you were asleep in your high school history class, and admit it, most of you were, that is the date of what is commonly called “The Valentine’s Day Massacre.” Now, most people seem to think that the murder of those 7 “society challenged” individuals was the result of some “misunderstanding” between two groups of people who represented different viewpoints on who owned what illegal enterprises there in the Chicago area.

See! That’s what they want you to believe. Sure, blame it all on Organized Crime. They make such a convenient scapegoat because of their past history, what’s one more thing to blame them for anyway?

But what most people don’t know is that these 7 individuals were forming a group to have Valentine’s Day repealed. Their logic was that they didn’t need a special day to tell their ladies that they loved them and they also felt that it was wrong to spend a bunch money on that particular day when the markup on said items is at least 15% about normal retail prices.

Now, I’m not saying that these fallen men were cheap or anything like that, but you have to admit, they were really on to something and it comes, like on Jeopardy, in the form of a question: Why is it that we, as men, have to spend tons of money on one particular day of the year as proof of our undying love for our main squeezes?

This whole Valentine’s Day holiday thingy is geared towards women! Don’t believe me? Look at the commercials you see on TV. Look at the way society plays off on these traditional Valentine’s Day gifts. As a guy, I would never send my buddy a dozen roses, a box of chocolates and some sort of jewelry that involved with diamonds with a card that said “Thanks for being there Bro.”

No, it doesn’t work like that!

Yet, as guys, unless we cough up enough money equaling a 2^nd mortgage of our collective homes and blow the entire wad on pretty-pretty things that sparkle, editable things that are sweet & gooey, and things that not only wreaks havoc with our sinus’ but will end up being dead and discarded within a week; we will be spending not only our evenings on the couch, but for the rest of the year never hear the end of how you made her look bad in front of her friends because you got her Valentine’s Day present at The Quickie Mart.

So, in order that I can continue to sleep next to the lovely Mrs. Nickels (and not hear about my horrible choices in spending habits later), I am off to The Quickie Mart, I mean, The Mall to look for something sparkly, something chocolatey along with a bouquet of blooming soon-to-be-dead things.