Little Toe

There is an old saying that is flying around the internet that goes something like this: We Learn From Our Pain. That being said, now I know why God gave us a Little Toe.

For most of us, we have 5 toes on each foot. First, we have The Big Toe, which looks like it should be attending a Weight Watchers class, but without it being attached to our foot we would find it incredibly difficult to run and we would have the balance of a peg leg pirate minus the peg leg.

Next, we have what I call the Pointer Toe. Now for some strange reason, our Pointer Toe is slightly longer than our Middle Toe. Which to me doesn’t make sense because one would think that our toes would be in the same size shape as our hands. Besides, when was the last time you pointed with your Pointer Toe anyway?

Now we come to the Middle Toe. Better known as “The Piggy Who Had Roast Beef”. Probably the most insulated of our toes. Cleverly hidden and protected by two of his friends on each side. He has no job function whatsoever other than trying to fit into the pointy part of every pair of women’s high-heels ever designed.

Our next toe has a somewhat truth in advertising ring to its name: Ring Toe. Ring Toe doesn’t do a heck of a lot except wear jewelry The next time you go to the beach, assuming that we will be allowed to see the beach again in our lifetimes, try to check out the feet of some of the women who are at the beach. Now you must be discreet when you do this because you don’t want to come off as some sort of weirdo with an extreme foot fetish. But the next time you go to the beach, take notice of how many women wear rings on their toes. Sometimes they wear rings on their Pointer Toe, but for the most part, its Ring Toe’s job to show “The Pedi-Bling”.

But I think that God had something in mind when He installed Little Toe onto our foot. For you see, if you did not have Little Toe, you would never find your living room or bedroom furniture in the dark. Without Little Toe, you would never know the thrilling sensation of having your foot slip off the stairs you are trying to be oh-so-graceful- to come down from when you slip and have your entire body weight land on the one Little Toe to who just happened to take that exact opportunity to curl under your foot just so you can land on it with the maximum amount of force.

As you can see Little Toe has an especially important job. Because if we did not have Little Toe to show us different and unique kinds of pain and suffering, we would think that life was nothing but Peaches and Cream. Life would be full of Unicorns who would be delivering me Tacos upon command. But now that we have Little Toe, we now can understand painful things like War, Migraines, and that feeling you get when you have to sit through an entire episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

I for one am glad that I have Little Toe. Because without that tiny little appendage that God in His infinite wisdom attached to the outside of our feet, we would never be able to utter very colorful metaphors at 3 in the morning just after slamming it for the 47th time into that ugly divan your mother in law gave to you for Christmas. You have no idea just how much my vocabulary has been improved with the discovery of Little Toe and every piece of furniture in my house.

So if I could leave you with just one little piece of advice when it comes to Little Toe and moving around your house: Wear Steel Toe Boots.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled life…already in progress.

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