I live in Southern California.

Now, if there is one thing you should know about living in Southern California, or as it’s called amongst us natives, “So Cal”, is that the weather in our little corner of the planet is about as Bi-Polar as the people who live here.

You could start out your week lounging by the pool, applying sunscreen (in my case it’s called SPF-Miracle Whip) to keep you from getting burnt from the warmth of the sun with temperatures ranging in the balmy 80 plus degree area to “Ok, who left the window leading to Hell open again?” weather that God has blessed October in So Cal with.

But then within 2 days you are seeing rain, not like the stuff they’ve been having in Texas mind you, but enough to get the ground semi-damp to the point where you ALMOST must use your windshield wipers. Then, if that wasn’t bad enough, we go ahead and add devastating winds topping out at a monstrous 6 mph and the occasional notifications that there, indeed, is a God i.e. thunder and lightning. Winds that have such force as to knock over one of our plastic patio furniture chairs thereby causing all the local news stations to do a break into the afternoon soap operas with “Storm Watch 2016” updates.

Reporters are “on the scene” in such “devastated” areas such as Beverly Hills, Malibu, Newport Beach, Laguna Beach and so on. The damage in these areas is quite extensive.

For example:

Mobile Latte Vendors have had to call in for the National Guard for assistance in putting up their umbrellas to keep the dampness from affecting the chrome on their carts.

Grief counselors have been flown in to help residents in the affected areas because of the trauma suffered by Mercedes owners due to not being able to drive with their tops down.

Lines for emergency services set up at Starbucks and other caffeinated distributing bistros throughout the affected areas for such necessities such as Coffee, Scones, Biscotti’s, have reached the point where our governor is enacting the “Three’s A Crowd” law.

In California, the “Threes A Crowd” law is much more serious than Martial Law. In California when you have a State of Emergency such as when water falls from the sky and the local citizenry has no idea what it is, what to do, or how to act, there must be order. There must be a system in place that lets those who think they are better than the rest of us (the overly/highly educated who still owe beaucoup bucks in student loans, anyone working in front of the camera or directing said people in the entertainment industry, members of Congress and/or your average household cat) can continue their fairy tale exitance and not be bothered, or scared and confused, resulting from water falling from the sky.

So, when times of crisis like these rears its ugly head, our governor, in all his liberal wisdom and mercy, enacts the “Threes A Crowd” law thereby forcing that more cash registers are opened whenever there are more than three people in line to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks or any other snobby caffeinated dispensary.

Yes, the FEMA office here in So Cal is quite busy.

If you live in this state, you must remember that you can’t count on the weather. I’ve seen it cold in the summer and broiling in the winter. People have worn jackets to the beach and bikinis on the ski slopes. And yet, we the people of this so-called “Golden State” (almost sounds like the result of a bad urine test now, doesn’t it?) are spoiled.

We complain about the cold. Now, our definition of cold is anywhere in the 50’s in regards to temperature, but if you are Canadian, or maybe live in someplace like say Nome (that’s in Alaska for those of you geographically challenged) where it’s currently at their high for the day of 40 degrees, or if you just happened be packing up the family for a great get away this weekend and head out to McMurdo Station, Antarctica where Saturday their high will be a sultry 3 degrees and their low will be -23 below zero. I think those guys would say that we in California are a bunch of wimps.

And yet, here I live in Southern California. Why? Because I am not all that concerned about the weather. Yes, I’m writing about it today and you may ask why I am doing so. Good question.

It’s because I spend all my time inside. I do not like going outside unless I am riding The Harley. Other than that, I’m as repelled by the weather in general as much as Dracula is of daylight.  In fact, the only reason I know there is weather is that I happen to have a window in my Home Office/Man Cave. I originally wanted to cover up the window so that I wouldn’t have any outside evil influence invade my inner sanctum, but Mrs. Nickels said no. She said that “You need to know that there is a different reality in existence other than the one in your warped, yet very creative, mind. (My wife really didn’t say that, but I added the “yet very creative” part to her oration. So, I didn’t change what she really said, just enhanced it…just a little).

So, I blame Mrs. Nickels for me knowing about the weather. I’d be just as happy in my Home Office/Man Cave, sitting comfortably in my constant 72 degrees Fahrenheit room, just working away at my desk, the walls covered with bookshelves lined with tons and tons of books, an unlimited supply of coffee brought to me by my beautiful wife along with the occasional 12 pack of homemade tacos made by the same aforementioned beautiful wife.

But nooooo!

She’s just like my mom and forcing me to go outside and experience weather in person versus looking it up online. See people in person instead of watching them on YouTube videos. Create my own memories instead of looking at those on Pinterest.

The fiend!

Anyway, I just looked outside and there is wet stuff falling from the sky again. Hence, I’m calling in the National Guard because I am going to need their assistance. Mrs. Nickels told me to check the mail and it looks scary out there.