There Ought To Be A Trap Door

Normally, when I sit down to write either a blog post or a chapter, I usually put as a heading/title the words “Working Title.” The reason that I do that is that I usually first write the story/chapter/blog post in question, then after reading it, editing it, crying over it for about 3 hours, then I begin the process of whining that it’s not as good as something that either Dave Berry or some other writer/author/blogger who makes a lot more money than I do. After the emotional theatrics are done and gone, I usually title the piece something that comes to mind when I re-read the material for like the millionth time, then hit send and post it for your group visual consumption.

That being said, the reason I came up with this posting’s title so quickly is that during the week, I ran into a situation where we all, at least once a day, come across and wish that my idea would be used, at the very least, in every establishment where a customer hears the words “I can help the next customer in line.”

Ladies, Gentlemen and the rest of you who lack in social graces, I give you: There Ought To Be A Trap Door.

Now, before you all get ahead of me, at least give me a moment to set this up for you so you know why I decided to write this post. Yesterday, I was at Starbucks getting a sweetened black iced tea to take with me on the road while I run all of my errands that I had planned for the day. I am standing there in line with my “chic”, but dirty, Starbucks personalized Venti (that’s Italian for “It’s the largest size we carry, Pal) cup. I have the lid off because that is the custom when you give them your cup to fill with their over priced beverage.

So here I am standing in line and I am juggling my now topless cup, the lid to my now topless cup, the straw that is trying to stay inside of the lid that is now not attached to my now topless cup and my phone so that I can swipe my electronic Starbucks card.

And, as most of you caffeinated carbon based life forms know, there is always a long line at a Starbucks. It doesn’t matter what time of day or night it is, if you go to a Starbucks, I will almost guarantee there is always a long line. Why I bet that even after the Zombie Apocalypse hits planet Earth, that even zombies will be in a long line at Starbucks just to get a “Half-Caf, Half-Brain Frappuccino.”

Or, as I like to call it “The Politician”, but I digress.

It’s not the barista’s fault that there is a long line. Trust me, I know this for a fact. I have friends who are baristas and these people are moving at speeds that are much faster than a blur and just slightly slower than the speed of light.  No, the reason there is a long line at Starbucks is not the baristas, not even the smiling counter person making minimum wage who is mentally thanking God, or their deity of choice, that they aren’t doing the same job at McDonald’s; No, the reason there is such a long line at Starbucks is because: People fail to think or plan ahead.

Here you’ve stood in line for about 5 to 10 minutes (or at least longer than the average ride time at Disneyland), and you notice that just behind the register, there is the menu of EVERYTHING that Starbucks is selling for you to purchase for your drinking and/or eating pleasure.  You’ve been in line long enough to not only memorize pretty much everything on the menu, but you know it so well, that you now have the ability to say the order backwards in case the person at the register is dyslexic. Yet, there is always that ONE PERSON (and this person is ALWAYS the person right in front of you) who waits until they get up to the register and they say the words that drive a dagger through your hyper-tensioned heart: “Gee, I wonder what I feel like having today.”

You all know these types of people. These are the “genius’” that fail to see an upcoming situation and then fail to plan accordingly. These are the guys who buy beach front property in Florida, despite the fact that every year a hurricane blows in, levels their homes and then when the news crews arrive to record “the human drama” of the events in questions, these “brainiacs” get on camera and say with tears rolling down their slack faces “we just don’t understand why this keeps happening to us.”

Or how about people who travel to North Korea? Really? North Korea? I can understand South Korea so you can try to score a great deal on a Samsung phone, but NORTH Korea? What is there that is in North Korea that makes a westerner want to go there? Nothing! That’s what? It has one of the worst economies on the planet. It’s a country run by a short, overweight, dictatorial tyrant with a really crappy haircut and anger issues; whose name, if you translated it to English means, “I have no bowel movements.”

In fact, there are only three things you can guarantee in obtaining in North Korea.

One: Is certain arrest because you stand out in a crowd.

Two: Sentencing to a “People’s Rehabilitation Center” just because you are a westerner with more cash in your pocket than the entire treasury of said country.

And Three: That your release, and quite possibly your very existence, are dependant upon the negotiation skill of one Dennis Rodman or worse, Bill Clinton.

So next time you watch the news and you hear about a beach front home property owner in Florida “not quite understanding why their home was swept out to the sea…again” or you hear about the college students who decided to backpack across that “People’s Wonderland” called North Korea, or even when you stand in line at Starbucks and the guy in front of you hasn’t a clue of what he wants despite a 15 minute chance to get it right before he got to the register, I want you all to mentally “pull the lever” want to watch these idiots drop through a suddenly appearing trap door to the very center of the earth where they belong, never to be seen or heard from again in polite society.

(Yes, I know. The above paragraph is nothing more than one long sentence, but I was on a roll. So, deal with it…Just don’t pull the lever.)

I now return you to your regularly scheduled lives, already in progress.

Normally, when I sit down to write either a blog post or a chapter, I usually put as a heading/title the words “Working Title.” The reason that I do that is that I usually first write the story/chapter/blog post in question, then after reading it, editing it, crying over it for about 3 hours, then I begin the process of whining that it’s not as good as something that either Dave Berry or some other writer/author/blogger who makes a lot more money than I do. After the emotional theatrics are done and gone, I usually title the piece something that comes to mind when I re-read the material for like the millionth time, then hit send and post it for your group visual consumption.

That being said, the reason I came up with this posting’s title so quickly is that during the week, I ran into a situation where we all, at least once a day, come across and wish that my idea would be used, at the very least, in every establishment where a customer hears the words “I can help the next customer in line.”

Ladies, gentlemen and the rest of you who lack in social graces, I give you: There Ought To Be A Trap Door.

Now, before you all get ahead of me, at least give me a moment to set this up for you so you know why I decided to write this post. Yesterday, I was at Starbucks getting a sweetened black iced tea to take with me on the road while I run all of my errands that I had planned for the day. I am standing there in line with my “chic”, but dirty, Starbucks personalized Venti (that’s Italian for “It’s the largest size we carry, Pal) cup. I have the lid off because that is the custom when you give them your cup to fill with their over priced beverage.

So here I am standing in line and I am juggling my now topless cup, the lid to my now topless cup, the straw that is trying to stay inside of the lid that is now not attached to my now topless cup and my phone so that I can swipe my electronic Starbucks card.

And, as most of you caffeinated carbon based life forms know, there is always a long line at a Starbucks. It doesn’t matter what time of day or night it is, if you go to a Starbucks, I will almost guarantee there is always a long line. Why I bet that even after the Zombie Apocalypse hits planet Earth, that even zombies will be in a long line at Starbucks just to get a “Half-Caf, Half-Brain Frappuccino.”

Or, as I like to call it “The Politician”, but I digress.

It’s not the barista’s fault that there is a long line. Trust me, I know this for a fact. I have friends who are baristas and these people are moving at speeds that are much faster than a blur and just slightly slower than the speed of light.  No, the reason there is a long line at Starbucks is not the baristas, not even the smiling counter person making minimum wage who is mentally thanking God, or their deity of choice, that they aren’t doing the same job at McDonald’s; No, the reason there is such a long line at Starbucks is because: People fail to think or plan ahead.

Here you’ve stood in line for about 5 to 10 minutes (or at least longer than the average ride time at Disneyland), and you notice that just behind the register, there is the menu of EVERYTHING that Starbucks is selling for you to purchase for your drinking and/or eating pleasure.  You’ve been in line long enough to not only memorize pretty much everything on the menu, but you know it so well, that you now have the ability to say the order backwards in case the person at the register is dyslexic. Yet, there is always that ONE PERSON (and this person is ALWAYS the person right in front of you) who waits until they get up to the register and they say the words that drive a dagger through your hyper-tensioned heart: “Gee, I wonder what I feel like having today.”

You all know these types of people. These are the “genius’” that fail to see an upcoming situation and then fail to plan accordingly. These are the guys who buy beach front property in Florida, despite the fact that every year a hurricane blows in, levels their homes and then when the news crews arrive to record “the human drama” of the events in questions, these “brainiacs” get on camera and say with tears rolling down their slack faces “we just don’t understand why this keeps happening to us.”

Or how about people who travel to North Korea? Really? North Korea? I can understand South Korea so you can try to score a great deal on a Samsung phone, but NORTH Korea? What is there that is in North Korea that makes a westerner want to go there? Nothing! That’s what? It has one of the worst economies on the planet. It’s a country run by a short, overweight, dictatorial tyrant with a really crappy haircut and anger issues; whose name, if you translated it to English means, “I have no bowel movements.”

In fact, there are only three things you can guarantee in obtaining in North Korea.

One: Is certain arrest because you stand out in a crowd.

Two: Sentencing to a “People’s Rehabilitation Center” just because you are a westerner with more cash in your pocket than the entire treasury of said country.

And Three: That your release, and quite possibly your very existence, are dependant upon the negotiation skill of one Dennis Rodman or worse, Bill Clinton.

So next time you watch the news and you hear about a beach front home property owner in Florida “not quite understanding why their home was swept out to the sea…again” or you hear about the college students who decided to backpack across that “People’s Wonderland” called North Korea, or even when you stand in line at Starbucks and the guy in front of you hasn’t a clue of what he wants despite a 15 minute chance to get it right before he got to the register, I want you all to mentally “pull the lever” want to watch these idiots drop through a suddenly appearing trap door to the very center of the earth where they belong, never to be seen or heard from again in polite society.

(Yes, I know. The above paragraph is nothing more than one long sentence, but I was on a roll. So, deal with it…Just don’t pull the lever.)

I now return you to your regularly scheduled lives, already in progress.

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