Hey Pal…Move it!

Yeah, I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted something, but I’ve got a really good excuse this time. And, believe it or not, I think there isn’t a person reading this blog has experienced something like what I’ve just experienced and then wished for a custom-made thermos-nuclear device to eradicate this situation.

The reason that I haven’t had a chance to speak with you all is that since the last time I put thoughts to this liquid crystal screen until now is that I’ve been stuck on the freeway behind a Prius trying to change lanes to get off. Now, before you think I am just dumping on Toyota and their “fine” Prius model, I’m going to be the bigger person here and distribute the blame to all underpowered and so-called “fuel efficient” cars, all hybrid cars, all low cc motorcycles, all mopeds (which are really nothing more than a lawnmower engine strapped to a bicycle) and anybody who drinks De-Caf coffee.

(Okay, the last one had nothing to do with slowness, but today is National Coffee Day and I had to slip that one in for my caffeinated friends.)

We’ve all been there. We get off work and looking forward to going home, spending time with our loved ones and maybe you’ve decided that it was an excellent idea that you should drink 48 ounces of tea just before getting into the car to head home. Because, as we all know, thurst is something the Devil came up with in order to get us to drink things we really didn’t want in the first place. But since “Death by Thurst” looks really bad on your resume, you buy overpriced, highly sugared drinks that not only quench your thirst but causes major tooth decay thereby causing you to go to the dentist, paying absorbent fees just so your “Dental Professional” can have that 2nd house in Aruba.

So here you are on the freeway, and while normally it’s as slow as the thought process of a member of Congress, today it’s worse. Because you are stuck behind someone who is driving an underpowered piece of fiberglass (and I say fiberglass because if the vehicle in front of you was made of steel, then they would have to put a bigger engine in it than the two squirrel running on a lubricated hamster wheel that is currently “powering” the vehicle in front of you.) slowly put-putting their way to the next “Green Peace” meeting and you gotta pee like a racehorse.

Whatever happened to having an engine under your hood that actually did something? Engines attached to cars that allowed you to dart in and out of traffic, fly up the off-ramp and zoom into that gas station where the attendant takes one look at you coming through the door and throws you the key to the men’s room. Have we become so “Mother Earth” or “Climate Change” or “Gas Price” conscious that we are too afraid to practice something called “Safe Driving Speed?” We in America used to have the biggest, baddest, fastest, most awesome cars on the planet. Now if you turn on the TV and you see the latest car ads, you would think America has become emasculated based on what is being offered in the way of transportation.

Trust me, I see it all the time. I get on the freeway to go to and from work and it seems that all I see on the road are these really tiny cars that look like they are working the running squirrels to death just trying to generate enough speed to get on the freeway. To quote The Eagles, whatever happened to “Life in the Fast Lane?” I drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee with 8 cylinders under the hood. Sure, it’s in the shop today, but that’s beside the point. The point I am really making is that I drive a vehicle that, sure, is a gas guzzler. But my Jeep can go fast. I can get to places in a reasonable amount of time. Unlike the vehicles that we see today who have the same cruising speed as our ancestors did when they came out west in their covered wagons. In case of emergency, I drive a vehicle that can get me out of town in a very short amount of time. Unlike these Inbreds, I mean Hybrids who couldn’t outrun a pack of zombies in the next zombie apocalypse.  I ride motorcycles with engines on that actually sound like they have some power to them. Not a bike with an engine that sounds remarkably like an electric weed eater.

So, instead of just whining about the problems I’ve been describing, let me offer two valuable answers to this dilemma we all experience.

First of all: Anybody with an underpowered vehicle should either take side streets or stay in the far-right lanes when you have to travel on the freeway. This is for not only the safety of the other drivers of much faster cars, but it will keep the slower drivers alive because we won’t have to kill you due we are stuck behind you and forced to read your bumper sticker how your kid was “Druid of the Month” at Green Peace Elementary.

Second: Don’t buy them! If you don’t buy them, they won’t build them. It’s as simple as that.

Well, I hope you have gotten something out of our little talk today. If you drive one of the aforementioned slow-moving machines, hopefully, you will see the error of your ways and trade it in for something more useful, like a real car.

As for me, I’m going to practice some advice I once heard Captain Kirk give on Star Trek: “Warp Speed Mr. Sulu!” (Safely of course).

We now return you to your regularly scheduled life, already in progress.

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