Monsters Make No Sense

A couple of nights ago, Mrs. Nickels was relaxing on the couch and performing her customary flipping through the channels to see if anything good was on. While I, on the other hand, had my earbuds in and reading a book while listening to some classical music.

Now, before I go any further, Mrs. Nickels and I have almost diametric opposite tastes when it comes to what to watch on TV. As extremely intelligent as this woman is, she actually loves to watch reality shows and network TV. While I prefer to be entertained and/or informed with programming by people in it that posses sort of brain activity and no commercials.

But I digress.

For you see, as she was flipping through the channels, she came across one of the Twilight movies and started to watch it for like the 50th time. I happen to look up from my book, saw what she was watching, and after an intellectual smirk, it got me to thinking.

See, I’ve figured out that Monster’s Make No Sense.

Take vampires for a moment. In the beginning, when we first started watching about vampires on the silver screen, the vampire in question would bite a pretty girl on the neck and then proceed to suck her blood. Well, after he was done, the camera would pan in, and all you would see are two tiny pinholes in the victim’s neck where the vampire, supposedly, suck out the blood.

Ok, does anybody see something wrong with this picture?

For starters, how in the world can the vampire suck enough blood out of his victim to satisfy his hunger through those tiny pinholes? No wonder you never saw a fat vampire! The poor guys were “living” per se on a starvation diet. Granted, in the Twilight movies, they’ve upped their game and starting to be a little more brutal/efficient when it came to getting their liquid lunches. But seriously, guys. C’mon!

And one other thing. Don’t you think after sucking that hard on the neck of his victim that the vampire would at least leave a hickey?

Hence we’ve just proven that vampires make no sense.

And speaking of Twilight, let’s talk about those guys who turn into wolves, not werewolves, just wolves. I guess, at least in the Twilight movie, being a wolf is the same as being a werewolf. Now, when you think of it, a wolf or werewolf is nothing more than just a big dog. Granted, a dog with a major attitude problem, but a dog just the same. So, how do you make a wolf/werewolf happy and become your best friend? Give him treats, scratch behind his ear, and take him for lots of walks, just like you do the dog that is in your home.

 We’ve now proven that werewolves make no sense.

Another monster that doesn’t make any sense, at least to me, is Frankenstein. First of all, the monster really doesn’t have a name of his own. We just naturally call him Frankenstein because he was “created” by that loveable mad scientist, Dr. Frankenstein. Ol’ Frankie, or Bob to his friends, was made up of different body parts that were dug up out of various graveyards and sewn together to make a colossal bodysuit. Then, once “all the pieces are put together,” Frankie was hoisted up to the top of the castle, zapped by lightning, then brought back down and proclaimed to be alive. (Imagine Gene Wilder in Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein, and you’ll see what I mean.)

What’s wrong with this picture?

Well, for starters, did anybody catch that they are sewing dead flesh together to make one bodysuit? My first question is this. “How did you get all of the pieces to be the same size and proportionally correct?” Because it was evident that you didn’t just use one body to make the suit. No, you had to have multiple bodies from multiple cemeteries to give Frankie a somewhat human appearance. My next three questions are as follows. “One. How did you keep the dead flesh from decomposing? Two, How did you keep the skin from falling apart when sewing the bodysuit? And Three, How did you keep the flesh from decomposing once the monster was alive?”

Ok, remember that Frankie came to life AFTER he was struck by lightning. The next thing I want to know is why he didn’t look like a burnt piece of toast after getting hit 10 Billion Watts of Lightening? (10 Billion Watts just happens to be the average amount of Watts in your typical bolt of lightning). But be that as it may, there is another aspect of Frankie we should look at, and that is his power source. Remember, Frankie is alive only because he got zapped by lightning. In essence, Frankie is running off electricity, or better yet, he is a reservoir of electricity. Or, to put it in simpler terms, Frankenstein’s creation is nothing more than a walking battery. So, what happens when Frankie runs out of power? Does he stop in his tracks like a child’s toy does when the batteries die? Or does Frankie, when he starts to feel a little run down, just go to an electric car charging station and fill up on juice so he can continue his existence?

So you see, we’ve proven that Frankenstein, like the rest of the monsters mentioned, didn’t make any sense as well.

And don’t get me started the other “Creatures Of The Night” that do not make sense like Zombies, The Mummy, The Invisible Man, Swamp Thing, The Creature From The Black Lagoon, and Members of Congress.

We now return you to your COVID suspended regularly scheduled life…somewhat in progress.

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